One short month later .....

Only a short month ago, I was making big plans for wintering in Santa Barbara and Ojai, going to school, promoting my electric bicycle business in that warmer climate, and reconnecting with friends and family in that special place  I love so much.  

HA!   Make God laugh ..... tell her your plans!!!

As it turns out, all my life since I was 14 (when my father died at age 50) I had been writing on medical forms that he died of stomach cancer, which is apparently non-hereditary. While speaking with my step-mother, who I basically have not been around since my father's funeral 40 years ago, she confirmed that -- no, he had actually died of pancreatic cancer.

I feel that this is important to share with all of you because I imagine that many of you were thinking: if "state-of-health/does-everything-right Nancy" can get cancer, we're all toast!  So, as it turns out, I am the "good-luck/bad-luck who knows" recipient of my father's pancreatic cancer gene.  This explains alot.  It is good to know the source of this malady.

Within the last month, my life has taken on the pursuit of many strange, fascinating, and bizarre studies. I've been to the Marin Chapter of the International Association of Near Death Studies and listened to many a story of people who have peered through the veils and come back to tell their experiences of the other side.  I've received a Vedic Astrology reading revealing a probable (but not determinate) sense of when I might be passing to the other side myself.  I've been through a Native American Lowampi healing ceremony. I've been signed up for Hospice and given access to all the palliative care I could possibly want.  I've been poked and prodded, given many a blood sample, and now have a pic-line port in my arm that makes me partially bionic - so that I may get IV's of all sorts.  I am going to be receiving psychic-surgery treatments, hands-on-healing, and more love and support than a girl could possibly hope for in her wildest dreams.

How's that for an interesting month?!

A support team is forming around me, and I often feel the strangest mix of elation and sadness.  People from all segments of my life have been reaching out to me, and I am so grateful for all the love that is being sent my way.

I have much more to share, and will do so soon.   For now, I'm off to play music with friends!

Feeling Him Close

My dear friend Margaret wrote this. I want to share it with you.

Feeling Him Close

Death slouched outside my bedroom

window last night,

leaning against the wall

acting as if he had all the time in the world.

All night I felt him there

as I floated at the top layer of sleep

with my hand on my beloved’s broad chest.

I wasn’t afraid that he was coming for us.

I knew that he just wanted me to feel him close.

Some of the people he visits, he walks right in

and sits at their supper table

so they can smell whatever it is he has on his breath

real close up.

Last night death loitered by my house,

but he didn’t come in,

and I was glad that I knew

he wouldn’t be getting in bed with us

just yet.

Somehow I knew that much.

My friend thought she knew that, too,

and then one day he showed up in a scan of her body,

all of a sudden.

Now she doesn’t seem to mind

that he drapes himself on her sofa

or that he likes to stroke her hair.

She made friends with him right away,

and though they are an odd couple,

her being so healthy and all,

we are getting used to their relationship.

She is actually glowing,

and the more he hangs around,

the more we can accept his good points

like one of those handsome bad boys with a heart of gold,

the ones that take you in a fast car

to places you never thought you could go.

He might decide he wants to take her away

which would break our hearts,

but she smiles and tells us that                             

it’s only a matter of time –                                                          

he will take us all.                                                                  

                    Margaret Barkley
                    Copyright © 2010

Grace and Grit ~ My journey

Dear Beloved Friends, Family and Extended Community,

I have some news that I need to share with you. Many of you know already but for those of you that are hearing this for the first time, heads up, as this is surprising and shocking news. Also, before I launch into this story, I want you to know that I am in an incredibly good place, really in a state of grace. Please read on and through to the end so that you can see how this is true.

For the past 3-4 months, I have been experiencing some back pain. I went and had some bodywork, then chiropractic, acupuncture, blood tests, etc. Finally I had an ultrasound which revealed something on my pancreas. Two days later, Friday, Oct 29th, it was discovered that I have a malignant tumor on my pancreas which has metastasized to my liver in several places. There is also a mass on my adrenals which is not determined whether it is metastasized or not and my gallbladder is contracted and is inflamed all around it. So essentially, I am in stage 4 pancreatic cancer! I have met with an oncologist and it is inoperable and chemo and radiation have shown little effect with this advanced stage of pancreatic cancer.

Please take a deep breath.

I know. I know. How can this be? Healthy ol' me - I thought I'd be one of the last to go.

So that is the news, but the other news is the way that I feel a blessing in this all, as well as sadness. We are all on the journey to our deaths. I feel so fortunate that I wasn't killed suddenly in a car accident or worse, in a war. I have time to prepare, set my affairs in order, make any amends that need to be made, do some of my "bucket list" and say my goodbyes.

Now I do not feel that this is imminent. The Doctor said that the prognosis for an average person would be 6 months to a year left to live. However, I do not fit that profile, I am younger than most that get this disease, I don't drink or smoke, I'm not overweight, I have an incredible and vast support system of very loving friends and family and I am so very healthy! I think it is going to take some time before it knocks me out. I sense that I probably have years, but of course, I don't know.

I have often had this provocative conversation with people, asking, if one could know when one was going to die, would they want to know? Many a person has said, "Oh no, I wouldn't want to know that!" But I have always felt that I would like to know. If I knew that I had 40 more years left to live versus two more years, I would orient my life very differently. If I was going to live a long life, my life would be a lot more about making money now, as I'd need  all the funds I could manage for old age. With this diagnosis, I am giving up the striving for that and am going to savor every bit of my life that I've got left. Ironically, I feel more alive now and more grateful for my life and all my relations than I ever have, knowing that it is finite. And you know what ... this is true of us all. For me, it is all about the quality not the quantity.

Apparently through Vedic Astrology, they can tell you when you are going to die. There is a code of ethic, where the astrologers are not supposed to tell one, but with a terminal disease, I have found a Vedic astrologer who is willing to read my chart and give me that information. I am expecting to set up an appointment with him in the next week or two. I will probably cross-reference this with other readings. This will give me a base (not that I feel that I should totally rely on this) with which to design my time. 

I want you to know that I am not in too much pain. I have some discomfort especially in certain positions but so far I have been able to manage it with something as innocuous as double doses of Advil. There is a stronger prescription waiting for me at the doctor's. Through palliative care, I can be made quite comfortable and functional so I can put my affairs in order, spend time with my peeps and do some of the great adventures I've always wanted to do. And of course, there is the possibility of spontaneous remission and miracle cures but strangely (or not) I feel somewhat detached. If I live - Great!  If I die, I'm off to the next great adventure! Anyone who has had a near death experience comes back with no fear of death.

I also want you to know that I feel no fear, or at least, very little. I am definitely not in a place of "poor me/why me? Ain't it awful?" Actually, life has taken on a numinous quality. I am truly able to live the teachings of Don Juan from the Carlos Castaneda books who always says "Use death as an advisor." Also if we treated everyone as if it was the last time we might see them, how rich and loving our relating would be - I am experiencing that now.

Speaking of this, the quality of relating has been over the top. The love, support and generosity that I am receiving is absolutely sublime! The outpouring of love is amazing from all over the world. As friends are shocked by this news, everyone seems to be expressing more love not just with me but with all their people, because quite frankly, what are we waiting for ~ we are all terminal! And everyone is also looking at their priorities. Many of my friends share several of the things on my "bucket list" and they want to come and do them with me. How fun is that!

One of the really special gifts that I have been receiving is that for whatever reason and this has come as a surprise to many, I have always suffered from terribly low self-esteem. So many people are coming forth and telling me how much they love me and how I've influenced them and moved them in many ways. People are telling "Nancy stories." I never would have known any of this, if it wasn't for the way that the imminence of death makes things more precious. It is like having my memorial service before I have even died!

When I first got the news of my diagnosis, I only shared with a few people. I wanted to tell a lot of people at once so that whence this news rippled out across my vast network of extended community, it was seeded with the energy with which I am carrying this. I didn't want it leaking out and then getting a ton of phone calls full of fear and dread and "OMG you poor thing!" I am so not feeling that way and have not from the first moment I heard. So I brought the news to my women's group and men friends of mine brought it to a parallel men's group that many of our partners/husbands are in. The feedback I am getting is that people are really inspired by how I am holding this.

I have been tracking myself. There are times when I get sad. I often spill tears filled with a bitter sweetness when I think about things, such as missing times with my son, Sean and other beloveds, the possibility of missing being a grandma and seeing some of my dreams and aspirations come to fruition. But I have not felt depressed. I actually feel spiritually elevated but in a grounded, awe-filled, grateful and reverent way.

So I wanted to give you the news in this way.  I want you to carry the message to other friends; that paradoxically, there is such great love and mystery and wonder in this so-called "bad" news. Now, I feel that my 91 year old Mom and me are strangely on a parallel journey. We are both at the end of our lives. Every bit of time together is so precious, now doubly so. And every bit of time that I get with some of you, my friends, is precious to me too.

All of you who have called, written me cards and emails and offered your generous support, thank you so much. It really means a lot to me. What an amazing loving extended family and community we have. I have wanted to reach back out to each of you but it has been a bit overwhelming and a lot to adjust to my new circumstances. Please forgive this bulk mailing. I feel your love and support and I appreciate it so much. Writing me either through emails or snail mail is a really great way to reach me.

9051 Mill Station Road

Sebastopol, CA 95472

godyard@mac.com

With much love,

Nancy

And because I love this life

I know I shall love death as well

The child cries out when

From the right breast the mother

Takes it away, in the very next moment

To find in the left one

Its consolation

- Rabindranath Tagore