Dear Beloved Friends, Family and Extended Community,
I have some news that I need to share with you. Many of you know already but for those of you that are hearing this for the first time, heads up, as this is surprising and shocking news. Also, before I launch into this story, I want you to know that I am in an incredibly good place, really in a state of grace. Please read on and through to the end so that you can see how this is true.
For the past 3-4 months, I have been experiencing some back pain. I went and had some bodywork, then chiropractic, acupuncture, blood tests, etc. Finally I had an ultrasound which revealed something on my pancreas. Two days later, Friday, Oct 29th, it was discovered that I have a malignant tumor on my pancreas which has metastasized to my liver in several places. There is also a mass on my adrenals which is not determined whether it is metastasized or not and my gallbladder is contracted and is inflamed all around it. So essentially, I am in stage 4 pancreatic cancer! I have met with an oncologist and it is inoperable and chemo and radiation have shown little effect with this advanced stage of pancreatic cancer.
Please take a deep breath.
I know. I know. How can this be? Healthy ol' me - I thought I'd be one of the last to go.
So that is the news, but the other news is the way that I feel a blessing in this all, as well as sadness. We are all on the journey to our deaths. I feel so fortunate that I wasn't killed suddenly in a car accident or worse, in a war. I have time to prepare, set my affairs in order, make any amends that need to be made, do some of my "bucket list" and say my goodbyes.
Now I do not feel that this is imminent. The Doctor said that the prognosis for an average person would be 6 months to a year left to live. However, I do not fit that profile, I am younger than most that get this disease, I don't drink or smoke, I'm not overweight, I have an incredible and vast support system of very loving friends and family and I am so very healthy! I think it is going to take some time before it knocks me out. I sense that I probably have years, but of course, I don't know.
I have often had this provocative conversation with people, asking, if one could know when one was going to die, would they want to know? Many a person has said, "Oh no, I wouldn't want to know that!" But I have always felt that I would like to know. If I knew that I had 40 more years left to live versus two more years, I would orient my life very differently. If I was going to live a long life, my life would be a lot more about making money now, as I'd need all the funds I could manage for old age. With this diagnosis, I am giving up the striving for that and am going to savor every bit of my life that I've got left. Ironically, I feel more alive now and more grateful for my life and all my relations than I ever have, knowing that it is finite. And you know what ... this is true of us all. For me, it is all about the quality not the quantity.
Apparently through Vedic Astrology, they can tell you when you are going to die. There is a code of ethic, where the astrologers are not supposed to tell one, but with a terminal disease, I have found a Vedic astrologer who is willing to read my chart and give me that information. I am expecting to set up an appointment with him in the next week or two. I will probably cross-reference this with other readings. This will give me a base (not that I feel that I should totally rely on this) with which to design my time.
I want you to know that I am not in too much pain. I have some discomfort especially in certain positions but so far I have been able to manage it with something as innocuous as double doses of Advil. There is a stronger prescription waiting for me at the doctor's. Through palliative care, I can be made quite comfortable and functional so I can put my affairs in order, spend time with my peeps and do some of the great adventures I've always wanted to do. And of course, there is the possibility of spontaneous remission and miracle cures but strangely (or not) I feel somewhat detached. If I live - Great! If I die, I'm off to the next great adventure! Anyone who has had a near death experience comes back with no fear of death.
I also want you to know that I feel no fear, or at least, very little. I am definitely not in a place of "poor me/why me? Ain't it awful?" Actually, life has taken on a numinous quality. I am truly able to live the teachings of Don Juan from the Carlos Castaneda books who always says "Use death as an advisor." Also if we treated everyone as if it was the last time we might see them, how rich and loving our relating would be - I am experiencing that now.
Speaking of this, the quality of relating has been over the top. The love, support and generosity that I am receiving is absolutely sublime! The outpouring of love is amazing from all over the world. As friends are shocked by this news, everyone seems to be expressing more love not just with me but with all their people, because quite frankly, what are we waiting for ~ we are all terminal! And everyone is also looking at their priorities. Many of my friends share several of the things on my "bucket list" and they want to come and do them with me. How fun is that!
One of the really special gifts that I have been receiving is that for whatever reason and this has come as a surprise to many, I have always suffered from terribly low self-esteem. So many people are coming forth and telling me how much they love me and how I've influenced them and moved them in many ways. People are telling "Nancy stories." I never would have known any of this, if it wasn't for the way that the imminence of death makes things more precious. It is like having my memorial service before I have even died!
When I first got the news of my diagnosis, I only shared with a few people. I wanted to tell a lot of people at once so that whence this news rippled out across my vast network of extended community, it was seeded with the energy with which I am carrying this. I didn't want it leaking out and then getting a ton of phone calls full of fear and dread and "OMG you poor thing!" I am so not feeling that way and have not from the first moment I heard. So I brought the news to my women's group and men friends of mine brought it to a parallel men's group that many of our partners/husbands are in. The feedback I am getting is that people are really inspired by how I am holding this.
I have been tracking myself. There are times when I get sad. I often spill tears filled with a bitter sweetness when I think about things, such as missing times with my son, Sean and other beloveds, the possibility of missing being a grandma and seeing some of my dreams and aspirations come to fruition. But I have not felt depressed. I actually feel spiritually elevated but in a grounded, awe-filled, grateful and reverent way.
So I wanted to give you the news in this way. I want you to carry the message to other friends; that paradoxically, there is such great love and mystery and wonder in this so-called "bad" news. Now, I feel that my 91 year old Mom and me are strangely on a parallel journey. We are both at the end of our lives. Every bit of time together is so precious, now doubly so. And every bit of time that I get with some of you, my friends, is precious to me too.
All of you who have called, written me cards and emails and offered your generous support, thank you so much. It really means a lot to me. What an amazing loving extended family and community we have. I have wanted to reach back out to each of you but it has been a bit overwhelming and a lot to adjust to my new circumstances. Please forgive this bulk mailing. I feel your love and support and I appreciate it so much. Writing me either through emails or snail mail is a really great way to reach me.
9051 Mill Station Road
Sebastopol, CA 95472
With much love,
Nancy
And because I love this life
I know I shall love death as well
The child cries out when
From the right breast the mother
Takes it away, in the very next moment
To find in the left one
Its consolation
- Rabindranath Tagore
16 comments:
Nancy, dear Nancy - What a treasure this is! Thank you for sharing in such an exquisite and elegant manner the most difficult subject for anyone to utter. You are a blessing to us all.
We are all on the journey with you. So comforting!
Love you, Mom Rosejean
nancy
this is one of the most beautiful examples of authentic self-expression that I have ever read. I think you are an amazing woman. And now, again, as I think of you and your grace with all this, I have tears of fullness and gratitude for having you in my life. I hope you keep writing--you're such a good writer--independent of the content. I can feel you in every word. Well, it probably does have something to do with the content, but I am just so moved by how you put words together. As as writer myself, I admire how you do this.
love
susan
Dearest Nancy:
We just spoke on the phone…what an exploration. The last time we talked I had called you from Maputo; you had just got your diagnosis and were running out the door. It was all so fast. Anyway, I told you about my first guru – Dr. Thomas Maughan, Chosen Chief of the Druid Bond. You asked me to write about his memorial service on your blog.
His wife asked us all to come wearing colorful clothes. When we formed a circle, she said: "While we may grieve his passing, remember that there are others who rejoice at his arrival".
And you shared with me your experience around people who had near-death experiences: none were afraid of dying.
Your letter was so enlightening; already I think that there are many you have touched and taught. Thank you.
Love, Peter
Dear Nancy,
It has taken me what feels like an eternity to write to you. I responded immediately, with overwhelm, shock, and tears, but finding the words has been a little slower.
I have lost friends over the years. We all have and we all will continue to, and one day, I will be one of those lost friends also. I know that, yet, your illness has taken me somewhere else with my feelings and my fear. Thank you.
Last winter I thought I was facing my death, but, alas I am still here and feeling relatively healthy these days, but I will always remember those months laying on the couch with the opportunity to do no more than breathe in and breathe out and feel what I feel deep inside. It was an amazing journey inwards, a gift I needed and cherish and reflect on daily. I am still doing the 'work' that came from last winter's sojourn, exploring life and death and my feelings around each. It is a tricky and complicated subject for me.
When you said in your letter that you seem to have struck a nerve, I would agree with you, yes, and even more than a nerve. I was taken down to the ground. Thank you for bringing me to my knees and helping me to come to terms with my inevitable death.
I used to think I had some control over my health and therefore my life. Ha! I realized what a sham that is.
If disease can take you, disease can take anyone, including me. And the bigger truth is that yes, death will take us all, as much as we try to trick it and dodge it, we are mortal beings.
I hold you as one who is wholesome, really whole. And you are. Look at how you continue to model that for us as you are facing your mortality as another part of your life.
You are a bright light, a light beam on this earth, a bright star. You are healthy in the most profound way Nancy, and I don't understand why it is time for you to depart. I just know that I don't particularly want you to leave this earth plane. I will let you go when it is time, but at this moment, I am holding on to the hope that your physical body will heal. I will take the cues from you and continue to hold you in the highest light, as I always have.
As I write this I am realizing that it isn't always desired, to hold on to one's physical body. You already know this. I am just beginning to learn. You are a teacher to us all. A teacher of life's grace and beauty and now our teacher on our journey to freedom.
I am so humbled and so grateful to be included in your journey.
My heart is overflowing with love and appreciation for you and the life you live. You are beautiful in the most profound way and I love you and thank you for sharing yourself with me.
I am sending back light beams of pure love that I have received from you so often. Thank you again and again.
Love,
Francine
Dear, dear Nancy--
Though you and I have been acquainted for decades, life has thus far not brought us close together. Yet we have good friends in common (Diane, Jai, Tessie . . . ), and so your letter has found its way to me.
The letter is so you, as I have always observed you to be: open, upbeat, confident, curious, questing, authentic. So beautiful.
And, now that you've been handed an exit visa, will you use it? Time will tell. Numerous channeled messages from Spirit have been letting us know that many will choose to go home in the next little while. In your case, a spontaneous remission would not be at all surprising. But if you're going to be one of those departing, I doubt not that your soul will have chosen its timing to give hope and courage to others, also leaving, who are less aware.
"Birth is the cause of death," as my teacher, Sai Baba, has said. Which is to say that--as you point out--we are all terminal. Thank you for reminding every one of us in your far-flung circle to express our love to one another now.
With much love to you,
Sonia
The Exchange
Somewhere in the middle of the third round deep into the New Mexico night (it may have been somewhere else, but New Mexico sounds better), the talking stick and rattle circled into my hands, and with nothing to say and nothing to lose (except my ego, which was already obliterated by the first two rounds), the herb-enhanced magical tea kicked in and I pulled off a pretty good song. Then I passed the mescalito baton to Nancy who sat to my left, and she said, "You're a hard act to follow."
I thought, "OMG! Nancy Goddard just said what??" I mean, Nancy is one of the Supremes--the female circle singers who actually have talent and a CD to prove it.
"Well, you're not exactly easy to precede," I said back to her. It was like a vaudeville routine performed in the depths of the third round when there's not yet a glimmer of light and you're freezing your ass off.
Nancy, we probably would have been over the top had we taken bows (for yes, there was laughter). I think I've been saving up my bow these years to do so now, in the glow of your direction.
Not to get too biblical here, but after the Third Round there came the Fourth, and after the Fourth the Sun arose in the Sky, and they ate of the four food groups and laughed together, for they had made it through another life.
Michael (aka "Louie")
Dear Nancy,
I'm posting my own journal entry (from Nov. 9) right here. Although I've already shared it with you personally, I wanted to make it part of this compendium of love for you.
Nov. 9, 2010: Today I got Nancy's letter, tho I already knew the news ...
I am so in awe of the amazing response that Nancy is having to the surprise news of her diagnosis - Stage IV Pancreatic Cancer, already spread to her liver. I just truly can hardly grasp the level at which she is stepping up to the greatest task any of us will ever encounter --- facing our own death with not just grace, but gratitude, openness, acceptance .... and love. Love for life, self, and others. And love, even, for the journey into death (if not soon, then -- whenever). Without self-pity or fear.
It's so comforting and uplifting to be in this energy that she is holding. For the first time ever, I feel so much less afraid of facing my own death. I've never seen this process (one which everyone, of course, goes thru) modeled in such a conscious, peaceful and even joyous way. Ever.
Perhaps, if this were how most people walked into the mystery of their own death, it would not be so feared by our culture. It would not be the shadow that so many of us are terrified to shine some light on. It would not - like the elephant in the room we are so busy trying not to see - dominate so much of what we do.
The effort involved in trying NOT to see this elephant (breathing down on us all the while) takes up an enormous portion of our vital energies, I'm convinced. I know it's true for me, and - of course - that's all I can honestly speak about. Just me. But I doubt that I'm alone in this!
And, of course, despite the uplifting way that Nancy is holding this news, I am shocked and rocked by having to confront the possible loss of such a gracious, fun, delightful, and loving (not to mention incredibly eloquent) friend. One who has been, and continues to be, a shining light and central figure in the lives of so many -- very much including myself -- who love her dearly.
Nancy—
It's been a very long time since
we last visited. But a vita bondl
has connected us…Sean and
Bob fill me in on the community
you've helped foster, and your
enlightened, health-conscious life.
You've kindled a spark,which glows
in Sean's wit, fun-loving spirit, and
bright thoughts. Had a great time
with him the last couple summers
at Iva Bell hot springs.
When Bob gently spoke of your
diagnosis months back, I felt
disbelief. Your words on this
blog have helped me accept. I
admire you so for reaching out to
all who know you, to foster warmth,
comfort, and understanding.
The consciousness of your ways
with those close to you projects
across time and distance. I feel you
near and dear, and wish you a
transcendent feeling of completion.
It was a delight to have met you so
long back, and to have shared a
community of spirit. Cancer or no,
you've always been a glow in my heart.
Love,
Jeff Bernstein
Dawn
As I awake in the dark to meditate,my thoughts journey to you around life and death. The veils between spirit and life are the thinnest in the darkest moments before dawn.
Sitting in quite contemplation.
Breath exhale pause empty.
The precious present in the here of now.
Tides of darkness are ebbing as pools of blackness turn slowly gray like restless spirits returning home.
Into the light I see you walk with the birds singing their morning chorus to the new day, voicing their presence with songs of beauty.
Like them, smudge women moves in ceremony as she brings light to the darkness , transforming heaviness into lightness. Encouraging us to walk our talk with the spirit of the medicine.
Fear loosens it's grip as she walks by with her shell feathers and smoke. Prospects of better possibilities come into focus.
I feel her asking, what are you going to do with your time here? How can you make this a better place?
The dawn of a new day has begun leaving me with questions.
Will I embrace gratitude or anger, happiness or or sadness, surrender or struggle, forgiveness or bitterness, stay or go.
What to do?
How do I respond?
A cross road that waits ahead for us all.
Life is not always fair or black and white.
Gray is the color of dawn where these lessons are learned.
Blessings on your sacred road Nancy.
You light the path where we all will follow.
I love and honor you.
.
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