This Evening ... posted by Hrieth

Dear Nancy's friends and family,

much love to and through each of you

during these holy and rarified, tender and precious times...

The other day, Nance asked me "if people were saying prayers"...

and her question hit my heart.

I told her that people are praying for her all the time:

as we plant seeds in our garden, driving in the car, 

how this has changed our lives, how we cherish her so much

and in so many ways....

"every breath taken in 

by the man who loves

and by the woman who loves....

goes to fill the water trough

where the spirit horses drink"...

But I knew what she meant, what she was asking for

and I, too, had been aching to sing with her and all of us, 

wanting Clay to come, wanting Robin to come,

wanting an opportunity to practice our tradition,

honed over 3 decades of circling, vision quest, grace....

"this is who we are, this is what we do, this is who we do it with"

Nancy's condition changes significantly each day

and today she "drinks" minimally, sucking on a small swab dipped in juice

and otherwise not eating...

Gary has been so beautiful 

and such a privilege to witness how he and Nance are grooving....

It feels like the room is filled with so much "honey in the heart".

Nancy's beloved son, Sean, returned from his travels 3 weeks ago.

Any words I'd offer to express how wonderful it is to have Sean home

would fall short of illustrating the perfection of his homecoming at this time.

As many of you know, Sean is showing up as you might imagine;

gentle, wise, radiant, tender and loving...

Nancy delights in Sean's presence 

and lifts her face to Sean when he lays on the bed near her.

When she does this or when she lifts her face to Gary for a kiss,

she looks like a beautiful flower turning her face towards the sunshine....

Sipping the mortal morsels of her beloved sweet hearts....

But back to what prompted this email to start with...

This afternoon, we decided to circle the wagons, hearts, songs and good will for Nance.

Two dozen friends gathered and sang to and for Nance.

We started downstairs and sang for a couple of hours

and ultimately quietly, reverently, lovingly entered Nancy's room

to sing to her there....

We Blessed Her Way....

Some months ago, Nancy, I and a few others were talking about dying

and there was a mention of "having an out" or hastening the exit should one wish for that...

In that conversation, I took a stand for not hurrying it along, not hastening it with pills or other means of quickening...  that there are such fine things that happen in the last weeks or days and even in the very last moments of our Earthwalk.

And Nancy joined that chorus... and said...

"Oh, I wouldn't want to cheat death.

It's the final Rite of Passage"...

Amen....

and God/dess bless our Godyard, Goddard, Nance, Nanceroo....

Blessed Beauty Way....

Hrieth

Thursday with our Beloved - by Gary

This morning our faithful medicine kitty comes to wake me up (no matter how early) and to tell me that Nancy is up. He hears her stirring and starts meowing loudly in his warning meow saying "get up" I want in to see my Nance! She was up early today, around 6am. But let me start at the beginning....

Yesterday was Thursday and Nancy got much needed rest, wasn't up till 8:30. She was at her desk trying to write a letter to The Ceres Project thanking them for all the good food and ointments and teas they have been bringing over. It took her forever to even write an address on the envelope and it came out a little sloppy but actually legible. Then came the daunting task of actually writing the letter. I left for a bit and when I returned she was writing it on a different piece of paper. I asked if she was practicing so she'd get it right and she said that was what she was doing. At this moment it's still in draft form but I'll help her with it today.

Kaylin came around 11:30 and all of us who know her can imagine what a blessing that was. She spent some quality time with Nance and then they requested that I come in for a while. She told K about her experience of the crown chakra Yantra that Sean hung in her room being her exact experience of the toad. We remembered the messages she got with both of those experiences were about how she needed to relax. A lesson for us all for sure. Nancy then shared how she occasionally finds herself gripping and Kaylin suggested not resisting this feeling, not feeling wrong for the gripping but to go ahead and grip and be ok about it, to love herself through it, allow herself to move through it and as she does it will stop of it's own accord. We can really only grip and hold on for so long anyway. Resistance makes it more real. Resistance is futile. I thought this was brilliant and just the opposite of where we often go with ourselves in our processes.

We then played a game which Nancy has done with her before where she asks a question of her left hand, the analytical side, and gets the answer form her right hand, the artist side, the gut feelings, heart feelings.

I want to relay the whole session to you all because I feel it is so profound for our Nance and we are all on this journey together with her. Kaylin held the question and answer hands at those times.

To the left hand Nancy asked; "I have a question about why my body would want me to check out of here earlier than anticipated?"

Right hand answered; "It's about relaxing."

LH?- What is the most important question of my life? I want to create Shambala and Shambala in a place where I would be relaxed.

RH- ( after a long pause to contemplate)" I had a visual that I had lots of ink in my hand and I wanted to dump the ink from my hand."

Kaylin asked what the ink represented. " With ink I express myself", she said.

Kaylin asked "How are you expressing yourself now? How are you dumping ink in the world right now?"

Nancy said "I think one of the ways I'm expressing myself is by empowering people to follow these transitional ways ... By empowering people with the functional art of Permaculture."

Kaylin stayed a little longer then said her goodbyes- off to the Kona Coast to swim with dolphins.

Then another little piece of magic happened... waiting downstairs for their turn to visit our Nance were three of her good friends here as representatives of Transition Town Sebastopol. Scott McCuen, Wendy and our very own Ben Zolno. They were here to present her with a big-1 1/2 x 2ft card. On the outside was a beautiful watercolor of a purple Iris by a friend of hers. On the inside were writings and photos of the dozen or so sub groups within the local chapter that Nancy spearheaded and helped so much to bring about. In essence, this card was presented to honor her for " empowering people to follow these transitional ways....to empower people with the functional art of permaculture." It was such an immediate confirmation and a validation of her vision and her life! What a gift...what a healing that is happening!

The synchronicity of timing was not lost on her.

In the depth of my soul I believe that the significance of this moment and the affirmation of her life had a profound affect and allowed a change to happen that reverberated through her being.

Who could ask for more?

Nancy took her nap, woke and we talked and sang, I sang her songs as Sean massaged her feet. She loved La's chicken soup for dinner and then it was lights out.


Sweet Dreams my Beloved

Born to Something Else

I am the Monday handmaiden
for our green-eyed princess.
I enter her room quietly,
slowing myself to match her rhythm.
What does she need today?

Death is a messy and beautiful business.
The mystery of it is taking us along,
through heartbreak, through the logistics of her care,
through her particular royal crabbiness,
through calm talk of pine caskets and green burial,
through the luminous field of love in her room,
and back to heartbreak.

As her circle of women we are taking turns with her day by day,
as her body gets weaker – swollen in some places,
skinny in others,
and her spirit gets stronger – brave and soft.
She is more honest, having run out of time
to be polite.
She is picky about small things, having lost control
over most everything else.
She wants the cup here, not there.
She wants the light dimmed, but not that dim.
She wants this person to visit today, but not that one.
She is also loving and grateful for every bit of life she has.

We are all going to die.
I know this already,
but now I see it beyond fact.
We can want a certain quality of death
someday –
painless, peaceful, with loved ones –
but each death has a life all its own

and as I said, death is a messy and beautiful business.
Like childbirth,
beautiful but not pretty,
pure but not tidy

and we are watching our green-eyed princess
go through the stages of labor
toward another kind of birth.
Like any mother, she is moving through
her own birth canal, letting go of everything
and becoming everything.

She is being born to something else –
we can see it in her eyes.

with love to our Nancy and all of you,
Margaret Barkley
February 21, 2011

Nancy's Healing Surprise - posted by Gary

Dear family, I just wanted you all to know of a little bit of magic that happened. Yesterday Alexei told me about a guitarist who would be playing that night at Aubergine. I thought I'd heard the name before but didn't know his music. Then, at the caretakers meeting Hrieth mentioned a two woman band called Ma Muse who were also playing at Aubergine. I'd only 2 days ago heard them for the first time paying on Nancy's stereo. Turns out Hrieth gave her that CD.

I was feeling pretty tired but I knew I should get out and away from the castle. I got there and the girl at the door told me " sorry, we're sod out". What? I'd hardly heard of these folks and they're sold out? Well, it WAS Valentines day. So I went back on the patio and was thought about leaving but started looking for an extra ticket instead. Couldn't find one. I went back to the door to look in and there were Adele, Michael and Clode. I came in to see if they had a ticket and Clode is a friend of the door person so I got in.

As soon as these beautiful women took the stage I was blown away by their voices, their harmonies and mostly by their hearts. We all agreed, it was like being in a medicine circle. They were singing big medicine songs. I felt tears coming to my eyes thinking of how wonderful it would be if somehow I would be able to get them to come to our home and sing for Nancy.

At the break I walked outside and checked my phone. There was a message from Hrieth talking excitedly about the same idea. She arrived while I was still outside and by the time I came back in she had already talked with one of the Sharissa, one of the singers. It was a maybe. We contemplated the probability of it happening and I knew that with all the guidance and synchronicity that had got me there, it was meant to happen.

At the end of the set we both talked to her and guess what?! Today Nancy was treated to a private house concert with Sean, Hrieth, Suzie, myself and our medicine kitty, Moo. They started with their opening song from last night, a song about laying down on the alter in a desert and singing prayers to the stars. It couldn't have been more perfect and again it gave me some tears. They did a song about the waterside or river and then we all did a free flowing spontaneous groove song together with words and sounds from all of us.

They are connected to a community in Chico and we all vowed to stay in touch and in love and there is BIG energy to have them here on May Day.

Blessings come in all forms and at any time. Garu

Life is getting very precious ....

Dear Beloved Friends, Family and Extended Community,

  

Life is getting very precious and it's uncertain what's ahead for me:

whether I have just a little bit of time

or a little stretch room here.

I so appreciate all the ways that people want to be with me

and share with me and give to me

and all the ways I want to share and give back

and my energy is diminished.

All the issues that loomed so large at one point in time in my life

are losing their significance.

I don't even have the energy to process.

Imagine that!

I'm working a lot on prayers of relaxation

and feeling all the ways that I grip to life,

to self concept and self image.

The Me, Mine, My of it all.

I'm getting some fast and furious crash courses.

I've often felt ambivalent about wanting to be here in our crazy world,

perhaps even having created a death wish

and I find myself terribly humbled

to stumble on to my knees

and ask for more time, more love....

And for more forgiveness from without

and even more so from within.

with much love,

Nancy....